"OMG did you see the way she dressed?" "Can you believe she was at the bar last night?" "She even consumes alcohol frequently"
Honestly, the amount of times I've heard people gossip about me is countless and I have tried on several occasions to live up to the expectations. I stopped postings pictures when I go drinking. I avoided places frequented by people I know. I dressed up in jeans and t-shirts. I thought that would make me feel better in some way but the only thing it made me feel was uncomfortable with the person I was. It made me question everything I did, said, posted, and wore. I could not just be me anymore, I was living for others validation and then it hit me would 12 year old me be proud of the person I was becoming?
I remember as a teenager growing up I use to look up to the youths at church. They way they acted, they way they dressed and their love for God which was what I inspired to be like. And the person I had become? That was not who I inspired to be. I wanted to define the odds of dressing in boring clothes, I wanted to dress up especially on Sundays because I was going to see the King of Kings. Would you honestly wear jeans and a t-shirt to go and see the King who rules your country? I don't think so. God has given me this beautiful body, why should I be ashamed of it? There was so many girls who admired the way I dressed because I did not hide behind super baggy clothes just cause I am plus sized. I was the person which I needed when I was younger and that is what mattered the most.
I grew up in bars as a child and sure anyone who hears this would be like what is wrong with my parents? But that did not make me any less of a Catholic growing up. I loved Sunday school just as much as I liked spending Friday nights with my family at bars, did that make me a bad Catholic? I only started drinking when I was turning 21 because I felt that I was old enough and it would be fun to have a few drinks with my friends sometimes. Which is funny considering the fact that I went to bars before I could walk properly and most of my peers started drinking when they were 15. I would just say that my parents instilled my faith and brought me up well and I was exposed to the dangers of drinking at a super young age.
I have found so much beauty in being a youth leader - it has changed the way I see things and people. Because it is not just a part time thing but it involves every aspect of your life. It' like you are suddenly a celebrity within you parish - a lot of people will be just waiting to point out your mistakes. And although everyone expects me to be perfect I'm still human and I have my flaws. The one thing that I have learnt as a youth leader and implemented in my life is that everyone sins differently so before you judge another person do see if there is anything you can do to improve yourself first. What truly keeps me going is knowing this is all in His plans not mine. He has lead me here in all my flaws and brokeness to be a living example of how amazing and transforming His love is.
So do pray for me as I continue on my journey as a youth leader.
God bless & Jesus loves you!
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