Day 1 of 365 - Toxic Much

Happy New Year lovelies!

Starting off my New Year with ticking off one thing off my resolutions list which is to start writing again or in this case typing again. Blogging used to be my thing but I did not even try to find the time to blog for more than a year now. All will be explained in due time but for now lets just start off with something that really got me a bit fired up to start today's blog.

I started off today by going for mass this morning at Assumption and during the homily Fr. Richard mentioned the purification of memory. It was ultimately a beautiful homily for the new year. To understand the purification of memory I'll leave a link down here on what St. John Paul II said about it.

https://zenit.org/articles/peace-calls-for-purification-of-memory-john-paul-ii-says/

Now what could possibly have gotten me fired up to write from something like this? Well, every beginning of the new year we always address forgiveness, healing and moving on from the wrongs of the past year but no one addresses this - TOXIC PEOPLE. *ques Britney Spears - Toxic* Do you forgive them? Give them a second chance? What is the right thing to do?

You see I have encountered my fair share of people who use me - the kinda people that suck the life outta you. But then there are toxic people which honestly is a different ballgame altogether. The thing is there is no easy way to identify them, only after you have encountered them closely would you know that they are toxic. And I'm not gonna bother sitting here and try to define them or tell you how to know they are toxic. I just wanna share what I have learnt from my experience with toxic people - IT'S OKAY TO CUT THEM OUT OF YOUR LIFE COMPLETELY.

There I said it. Yes there is forgiveness and moving on but they do not have to be a part of your life anymore. I know to certain people it may sound cruel or does not seem like something nice to do but you have to put yourself first at times. How do you become better if you have someone dragging you down constantly?

Maybe your next question will be do I believe in second chances? Yes definitely. Truth be told I actually let a toxic person right back into my life thinking they had changed but they repeated exactly what they did to me before again. It hurt really bad honestly but I only came back stronger and wiser (:

But does this change my perspective of people? I would say not really. I am way more precautious with who I am close to now but I do not have preconsumptions that everyone is just out to ruin my life. One bad apple is not gonna ruin my whole basket of life.

Have I forgiven the person? Yes pretty much. It's not 100% because it is gonna take time. The hurt is deep and I am finding my way as I heal slowly. To be honest it gets so difficult at times when I think about it from a Catholic point of view because I know that Jesus would have died for only this person if He had to and I'm like why? This person does not deserve it but who am I to judge when I am no saint? Trust me it's a battle but I am always reminded that forgiveness is not about them but for me to be free.

As I end this post for today, I hope that every one of you reading this has an amazing year ahead without any toxic people in your life. Do more of what you love and rediscover yourself. If anyone has anymore questions on toxic people or what I should write about next, feel free to DM me on any of my social media accounts (:

Toodles.

Why I Love The Season of Lent :)

I know the amount of groans I am getting just from the title of my post. I am not here to tell you what to do and not to do. Nor am I here to tell you the importance of abstaining and fasting for the next forty days which starts in like less than 2 hours? And to be honest, I used to dread it. Like the moment my parents would make 8 year old me aware that Ash Wednesday was coming the amount of dread I would feel because I could not have KFC or McDonald's for over a month. But as I grew older my parents quit reminding me and I became ignorant towards Lent. And when I think about it now I do not know which is worst, dreading it or being totally oblivious to this special season.

So why do I call is special? Well I believe it is more than just my Savior died to save me from my sins and I want to repay Him by abstaining and fasting during Lent. I believe Lent is my time to renew me through God. It is 40 days that I give to God to change me and be the change in my life. I think a lot of people focus so much about getting it "right" when we should just focus on trying to be a better person in this special season. For example, 2 years ago I was addicted to Starbucks and maybe some people would say what's so bad about caffeine? But did I really need a cup of full of sugar more than caffeine worth almost RM20 3 times a week in my life? Wouldn't that money be better spent elsewhere like for a meal for a friend who needs it or a donation to charity? And it was not doing anything good to my body either was it? So I gave it up for Lent that year. It was not easy whenever I went out shopping to pass by Starbucks when I first started but eventually I realized He gave up everything for little ol me, what's a cup of frappucino? And I did it for 40 days. I can't deny having Starbucks every once in while now cause there's no harm in enjoying life every once in while :)

What I am trying to say with all this is to lift your desires to him. Be it drinking or smoking or a shopping addiction. He will take care of you and renew you if you let Him. Let this 40 days be the start of a journey - it does not matter if you fall once or twice, what matters is your persistence to continue and trust me when I say this you are going to be so proud of yourself for letting Him in cause He can do amazing things for you <3

Here's also a bunch of ideas on what to give up for Lent http://lifeteen.com/blog/weird-lent-ideas-that-will-make-you-holier/ and you can try guessing which one I will be doing from the list. God bless!

Behind The Scenes of a Youth Leader

"OMG did you see the way she dressed?" "Can you believe she was at the bar last night?" "She even consumes alcohol frequently"

Honestly, the amount of times I've heard people gossip about me is countless and I have tried on several occasions to live up to the expectations. I stopped postings pictures when I go drinking. I avoided places frequented by people I know. I dressed up in jeans and t-shirts. I thought that would make me feel better in some way but the only thing it made me feel was uncomfortable with the person I was. It made me question everything I did, said, posted, and wore. I could not just be me anymore, I was living for others validation and then it hit me would 12 year old me be proud of the person I was becoming?

I remember as a teenager growing up I use to look up to the youths at church. They way they acted, they way they dressed and their love for God which was what I inspired to be like. And the person I had become? That was not who I inspired to be. I wanted to define the odds of dressing in boring clothes, I wanted to dress up especially on Sundays because I was going to see the King of Kings. Would you honestly wear jeans and a t-shirt to go and see the King who rules your country? I don't think so. God has given me this beautiful body, why should I be ashamed of it? There was so many girls who admired the way I dressed because I did not hide behind super baggy clothes just cause I am plus sized. I was the person which I needed when I was younger and that is what mattered the most.

I grew up in bars as a child and sure anyone who hears this would be like what is wrong with my parents? But that did not make me any less of a Catholic growing up. I loved Sunday school just as much as I liked spending Friday nights with my family at bars, did that make me a bad Catholic? I only started drinking when I was turning 21 because I felt that I was old enough and it would be fun to have a few drinks with my friends sometimes. Which is funny considering the fact that I went to bars before I could walk properly and most of my peers started drinking when they were 15. I would just say that my parents instilled my faith and brought me up well and I was exposed to the dangers of drinking at a super young age.

I have found so much beauty in being a youth leader - it has changed the way I see things and people. Because it is not just a part time thing but it involves every aspect of your life. It' like you are suddenly a celebrity within you parish - a lot of people will be just waiting to point out your mistakes. And although everyone expects me to be perfect I'm still human and I have my flaws. The one thing that I have learnt as a youth leader and implemented in my life is that everyone sins differently so before you judge another person do see if there is anything you can do to improve yourself first. What truly keeps me going is knowing this is all in His plans not mine. He has lead me here in all my flaws and brokeness to be a living example of how amazing and transforming His love is.

So do pray for me as I continue on my journey as a youth leader.

God bless & Jesus loves you!

Day 5 - Mama Mary's Birthday, Should I Really Give Her Everything?

To be totally honest, I look forward to starting my day with 33D2MG. Somehow I feel that by starting the day with pray and reflections, Mama Mary will take care of my day. I had the privilege of conducting the AYN Youth Night today. Funny story is that we almost canceled the youth night as our parish was having a fellowship after mass to celebrate Mama Mary's birthday. After some discussion with my youth leader Irene, we decided to go forth with the session after the fellowship. Now I'm one of those people that loves to prepare beforehand. You know that irritating person in class who always prints their notes for the whole semester and hands in their assignments before the due date? Yes that me, the most irritating species ever. But today I did not have anything prepared. And I hate winging things because I'm an introvert, I get stuck and tongue tied in front of people. So here I was preparing my session at 6pm when my session was starting at 7.30pm but I was so relaxed. I was just Google-ing pictures to add to my slide and chatting with my cousin who had followed me to church. Believe it or not I was done with my slides by 6.30pm and I was almost finished arranging my ice breaker- which involved a lot of chairs. I even managed to go for the fellowship at church to grab a bite before starting my session.

I'm not proud to say I did everything last minute nor am I encouraging last minute work but the point here is that Mama Mary will take care of things and you just need to trust her. I started my session with the rosary without even knowing about the pledging a rosary daily that my parish had started. The session went so smoothly and the testimonies were AMAZING! People just kept wanting to share about how the scriptures have helped them! The best part was the amount of people that came - I prepared for like 10+ people to come but almost 30 attended! I was like WOW MAMA MARY sent so many people for the session!

Now how does all this link back to today's reflections? I struggled to grasp yesterday's reflections. I just kept having this battle with my own thoughts of how I couldn't pray for the person I WANT to pray for. But then I realized I'm making it about me again. You know how when you hear an ambulance siren and you know someone in there is hurt or fighting for their life and you just say a prayer for them hoping they would be okay? That's what Mama Mary is going to do, give your prayers to the people who are in an "ambulance" in their life. When you think about it you don't even know that person that you prayed for in the ambulance right? But you still prayed for that unknown person. How much more would Mama Mary want to use our prayers for the people whom she knows need it?

The most generous person I know besides Mama Mary would be my grandmother. Ever since I could remember she always had time and money for me. I remember describing to her about my poop everyday on the phone before going to school. Like I would literally tell her everything as a kid cause she always had the time to listen while my mum did the chores. I didn't have any siblings so who else would I talk to right? She was never rich but whatever extra money she had she would give it to me as pocket money. Persona;;y I would say I give my time and money when I have it. I think time is really precious cause it is something you can never buy and in today's society everyone is so stingy with their time. Money on the other hand you can keep earning it so why be stingy? People worry so much about being sufficient without trusting that God will provide what you need not what you want.

One gift I would love to perfect would be my patience. Even today my friend Alistair was asking me like 101 questions and I was answering each one calmly then Fiona was like how you got the patience to answer all those questions? Ever since my Confirmation and getting more involved in church my patience sort of grew which I think sort of happened out of practice cause you deal with different characteristics of people in church. But the problem with my patience is I sometimes explode. It takes A LOT for me to explode but I still do and I do not like it. Hopefully as I journey on with the 33D2MG I will be able to overcome this with Mama Mary's help.

The Wedding Feast at Cana is the perfect example of what it would be like to consecrate ourselves to Mary. Even back then when Jesus was alive, the servants went to Mama Mary to inform that they had ran out of wine. They could have just gone straight to Jesus right? It's so beautiful to know that even back then people knew they had to go through Mama Mary to get to Jesus so what more us?

Day 2 : My Disappointments, My Detachments, My Influence

My boyfriend decided to come over to my house to pick me up for dinner at 5pm today so we decided we would do the 33D2MG together before we head out. Somehow he got delayed and I was frantically finding for something to wear so by the time we sat down with our books and pens to start the reflections it was 5.58pm, talk about perfect timing right? Because for the whole of the first week, we start by saying the Angelus which is traditionally said at 6am, 12noon and 6pm. My first thought was thank you Mama Mary :) so we waited for 2 minutes and got started. We prayed, read the reflections and then shared our thoughts based on the questions. The beautiful part about journeying with my boyfriend (his name is Bryce btw) is that there is this sense of accountability to each other so like I know I'm not going to end up slacking.

When I read about how St. Louis accepted the destruction of his plans and blessed God, I was just blown away in absolute amazement. Being a part of the ministries in church, there are bound to be good suggestion and ideas that are ignored or rejected. Personally, A LOT of my suggestions have been rejected recently and because it was for the greater glory of God I could not seem to understand why such a thing would happen. I have been struggling for quite awhile now on how to deal with these emotions because I cannot ignore the fact that I have been hurt and I did not see a point in channeling my ideas or putting in my effort just to be rejected again. But when I read what St. Louis did, I felt comforted knowing that even a saint went through rejection. So who am I to go against the will of God?

St. Louis detachment from his own will made it possible for God's will to flow through him which in turn made him an instrument and eventually a saint. Makes it seem so simple right? If only we could let go of all our attachments *cues Let It Go song* I pondered on this attachments for quite awhile before Bryce chipped in that he thinks I need to let go of my do everything myself habit. My biggest attachment is that whenever I am given a task I want it to be done perfectly and on time. Why is it a problem? Because people in their humanity tend to not live up to my timing or expectations. So my solution is to do everything by myself. Yes I sound like a lunatic perfectionist I know. But I guess it is a challenge I will take on when the next task comes along.

St. Louis was truly an inspiration and if there was anyone I would like to inspire it would be the girls who don't think they are good enough for anything. The funny thing is just a few days back one of the young girls I know from another parish asked me if I could be like her mentor. So I guess I have already started inspiring girls by the way that I dress and the things I do. I want girls to have the confidence to be confident with themselves. My friend recently asked me how do I pull off a bikini to go swimming and I know this is going to open up a whole series of modesty dressing issues but my point is that I'm comfortable with my body shape. I don't care if people see me as fat or ugly. I'm happy being me - eating all the food that I love, wearing no make up and I think that is inspiring :)

Day 1 : My 16 Year Relationship, My Quest, My Burning Fire :)

As I flipped through the questions to ponder for today, the second question hit me like a truck and my first thought was my mother and how she would have felt answering this question. 16 years was how long my parents marriage lasted and that was also how long I had lived with both my parents under one roof. That relationship shaped me into who I am now. I have prayed many times for a reconciliation between my parents but do I actually want it? Would I be able to move into a house with both my parents? These questions really digged down deep within me.

I remember growing up and how it was a struggle to do anything. My parents were overprotective and I rebelled as much I could until the hitting started. That one relationship in my life screwed up my whole outlook on marriage and made me prepare for divorce more than marriage. I just felt I was destined to also end up divorced because I was not going to put in as much effort or taken for granted like my mother. There was so many things I learnt from just that one relationship I grew up with.

But that one relationship was also the reason why I started seeking a relationship with God. Because when the people I depended on crumbled, God was the only one there. It has been 6 years and I have reconciled with my past but that 16 year relationship has affected the way I think and the way I do things in my life which links back to the first question of how my birth family and birthplace has affected my growth in holiness. The absence of my parents made me seek God because I wanted to know His plans for me. I had big plans for myself as I grew up but when everything seemed to not work out, He seemed to have a better plan for me. You know when people say God can bring out the best even in a difficult situation, they were not kidding :)

Which brings me to my third question of my journey to accomplish something. My biggest struggle was to get my mother more involved in church but when I asked her to join me on my 33 Days of Morning Glory with the church, she finally said yes. My mother prays like A LOT. She wakes up super early to do her novenas and daily readings and she also prays before bedtime. All I wanted to do was to get her to have a community to grow with her spiritually because I feel you cannot walk this journey of faith alone. So I am hoping this retreat starts a fire in her :)

When I decided to join this retreat, it was to journey with my loved ones - my mother, grandmother and boyfriend. So now when I think about it, I don't exactly know why I'm here. Maybe Mama Mary has a plan for me? All I know is that I'm ready to get to know her and what she has in store for me :)